I have this rather unfortunate talent which I have honed rather well in the last few years.. seriously..ask any of my housemates how they feel about me making predictions and they will run at you, making chopping motions..with plastic cutlery.
I have honestly never seen so many deer in the headlight expressions as when I begin a sentence with ‘oh you so know *this* is going to happen’ or ‘hah what next *this*?!’

Many years ago I was passing through a room where my family and friends were watching F1, I flippantly remarked that ’such and such a driver is annoying and I hope he breaks his leg to end his season (I was little..and a bitch..and little ok?!). Sure enough within 12 laps said driver has spun out and broke his leg.

2 years ago I was discussing the bad fortune of my current place of residence and remarked to my sister ‘oh I will probably get home and find the ceiling has collapsed’. Upon arriving home I found we had a leak in the attic which had dripped through and caused the ceiling in the kitchen to collapse.

Cut to last week. I was sat in the pub at lunchtime with two of my work colleagues and we were talking about how shitty the economic situation was lately for our industry and many others. Jokingly we began the ‘if our work went bust who out of us would get fired first’ conversation (we are little rays of sunshine aren’t we?!). I get back to the office and not two minutes later I am called into my bosses office, she breaks the news to me that one of our offices is being shut due to the shitty economy and that one of my colleagues, who had been at that same conversation, was being made redundant (there are ten of us total between both offices so loosing one is a big deal).

So, I impart this wisdom to you now. If you are ever in a conversation with me, and I begin to make a bad crack about something happening you are to summon a flock of very angry unicorns and command them to trample me to death with their glittery hooves.

I have to make radical statements such as this because if I was to say get a gun and pop a cap in my ass then the fates (ceiling cat) would hear and make it so.

Katy Perry

I want to have her musical babies.

Ok lets pretend that weeks run from Tuesday-Tuesday for a moment.

28 - the number of hours worked.
35 - the number of hours studied.
5 - the number of times I have wanted to punch someone in the face.
0 - the number of times I actually did (I win life..I win!).
3 - the number of gorgeously sunny days.
0 - the number of gorgeously sunny days I actually got to go outside in (touché life touché)
4 -the number of BBQs I have smelt but not enjoyed.
34 - the number of A4 pages of notes taken.
64 - the number of pages in my thesis..handed in and all but a distant scary memory.
72 - the number of hours until the beginning of my finals.
1 - the number of bible studies which happened in my living room (nothing to do with me k?)
25 - the number of hours until the Apprentice!

Now my thesis has gone I have a big stats shaped hole in my heart. So I have had to break everything down into numbers.
If you want me I can be found rocking back and forth typing numbers into my calculator and wailing about MANOVAs.

Did I ever tell you that I was an active sleeper? In the past I have woken up with bruised knuckles, legs, arms and face because I have a tendency to thrash around. It is not the nicest thing for anyone you share your bed with either because they tend to become a victim to the active sleeping too which leads to lots of raised eyebrows and dirty looks.

I think it has a lot to do with the fact that most of my dreams* revolve around someone or something trying to kill me. Usually in a humours manner but yes ultimately they often seem to resemble anything from your average first person shooter through to jaws. Stewie Griffin once made a guest appearance too I think.
Because of this there is usually a lot of running and fighting going on which would explain the night-time injuries and why sometimes I wake up feeling like I just ran the London marathon, although this is kind of awesome in one way because it means I don’t need to go out and buy the latest ‘lame slightly chubby x list celeb prances around in lycra to bad overly synthesised music and 1 2 3 *poof* she is now a disgustingly skinny and disgustingly orange person who you really want to resemble so go out and buy this’ercise video.

Today..today I gave myself a fat lip in my sleep, Which I have been icing for the last few hours in an attempt to be able to go into public without fear of drooling all over myself because I am no longer in control of my face.
Have you ever thought about how much face control is an important feature of day to day life? Something which I took for granted and so now I am promising to buy it flowers, do the washing up AND take it out for dinner if it would only come back! Please?!

(*why yes I did just talk about dreams, oops I think that is right up high on the DO NOT BLOG ABOUT code..sorry blog content monitoring people!)

I have a problem.

I big one.

I am totally addicted to The Apprentice (UK).

Last year I was not alone in this addiction, two housemates and I would spend many an hour sat crossed legged, clapping our hands in glee as Sir Alan and his aides ripped apart the lame and useless candidates. This year those housemates have abandoned me (something about jobs and graduation but pfft I am still bitter). I sit alone in my room..still clapping my hands in glee and sat cross legged.

I think I just love the fact they are all so utterly useless at anything business related, I spend at least an hour of my Thursday talking with my boss about how they lack any ounce of business acumen and yet they are touted as the brightest business brains of our generation. Oh dear we are fucked then really.

May I present you with my two most hated contestants? No well..tough heh.

I hate him because he totally stitched up my favourite contestant Simon and got him booted, oh and dude..get some hair gel.

She can most frequently be found shouting down other contestants and then making them cry. Great way to run a business bitch.

I do love two people though. Those two people are Sir Alan’s aides; Margaret Mountford and Nick Hewer. Their facial expressions and hatred for society are the only things that get me through the week right now, plus Nick looks like he would really benefit from a bowel movement or two.

Did you ever want to know what a diet of cheetos and insanity smelled like? Well now you can..*

(*I did not actually purchase this, rather it was a thank-you gift. I am saying a million thank you’s that it was not eau de Paris because then I would have walked into the kitchen, taken out my frying pan, filled it with oil, idly flicked through a newspaper while it heated and then when it reached perfect temperature I would stick my face in it for 5 minutes until golden brown, because it is Britney I only need to gouge my eyes out with toothpicks; a much more pleasant outcome I think you will find.)

Since 9am this morning three people have walked by my window with non-ironic mullets.

I think I fell asleep last night and woke up this morning in the 80s. Or small town Texas..not sure which.

Help?!

There are two websites that I visit religiously in my time on the internet, the first being Cheezburger and the second being Cute Overload. Yesterday I went there for my daily dose of cute and there was posted a little video of a human baby being..well..cute. Now, baby humans can be very annoying but even I could see this kid was cute and while not a baby animal it fitted in with the general theme of the site. I clicked on to read some of the comments and I practically fell out of my chair with surprise at how many people were leaving comments along the lines of “OMG BABY HUMAN IS NOT WANTED HERE, WE COME HERE TO SEE ANIMALS, I AM SO DISGUSTED I WILL NEVER COME BACK TO THIS SITE BECAUSE YOU POSTED A BABY HUMAN!!11one”.

Now I know every popular internet site will have its retards but so many? That surprised me, along with all the baby human hatred. I means sheesh, the owner posts pictures of anything cute; from panda frying pans through to snakes because it’s not specifically ‘cute kitten, puppy and other socially acceptable animals overload’.
It is a good job I don’t run the site because I would now post baby video after baby video just so I could drive the haters crazy enough that their heads explode. The world would then collectively thank me for ridding it of this junk DNA by making me master of the universe.

Who needs TV soaps for drama when the internet is so full of it. Thanks internet <3.

Ok so yesterday I told you all about the joys of cake. Today I am going to extol the virtues of ice cream.
Do you think it’s a moot point now to try and convince you all that I am not 43797979 lbs, 50, bald and just adopting the persona of a female university student on weekends? Yeah I thought so too.

Anyways, Ice cream, is yet another of my food loves. But it has to be the right kind because I am so very fussy. I eat vanilla ice cream and that is about it because I am sick to death of people alllllllllways putting something evil in my vanilla ice cream like.. chocolate ice cream, or nuts, or way too much caramel, or children (ok so that hasn’t happened yet but mark my words..it is only a matter of time!) in everything. I mean..I love chocolate like it was my mistress but I can only eat it in solid form, not in like..mousse, ice cream or milkshakes. So yeah, taking me to the ice cream aisle in a store is always fun, out of the the millions of flavours..oh look she chooses vanilla again. I think my mum about dropped dead when I once bravely picked up some mint chocolate chip ice cream when I was a kid and expanded my repertoire by 100%.

I was shopping the other night when I heard whisperings of Ben & Jerrys Baked Alaska ice cream. Vanilla, marshmallow swirls and itty bitty white chocolate polar bears. Sure enough the whisperings were true and I counted out my pennies so I could sample this fantastical creation.

It ticks all of my crazy boxes. Vanilla..solid chocolate and no added evil stuff. Well I don’t think it does, I haven’t found the marshmallow yet because I have been too busy digging for polar bears to notice. I am very susceptible to when companies fill my ice cream with animal shaped food items.

This post is sponsored by today’s favourite cake: Angel food cake

It is probably sad that my top moment from today (so far, so I still have at least 8 hours to gain back some semblance of cool) was a ten minute IM conversation about cake: The joys of cake, the outrage over cake prices and the general sadness over the loss of tea and cake breaks at our modern day workplaces.
Simple things like cake prevent people from rioting and in today’s unstable economy I think our governments should take note of this and start issuing people with cake. Hell even Marie-Antoinette knew the power of cake.

I think it is comparable with bacon on it’s general awesomeness but the two should never be mixed because the world cannot handle that level of awesome.

This post is sponsored by today’s favourite cake: Marble cake.